Its really hard when you go and leave me alone. I feel I am a machine during the day and when the evening comes, the only thing that gives me satisfaction is covering all my deepest black thoughts with false laughter and stupid actions. I go out to make time pass. Or I stay at home and sleep. Sleep has become the only place to run and hide. And I fall asleep alone, hearing the noises of my neighbours fighting and shouting, having a feeling of fear as I close my eyes. Everytime I hope I'll dream of you. But in the morning I wake up and remember nothing. Then I let go of myself into the crowdness of problems and deceptions that occure during daylight.
Sometimes, I know you are thinking of me, as I find the sun, bright as an orange, in the sky. And the sun's smile keeps me alive! Only the thought that maybe you have sent this sun to shine at me, gets me through the day.
I can not lie and tell you that I don't count the minutes until you are back into my arms, but the only thing I have left is to put my head on the pillow, close my eyes and see myself how I gentle move my hand through your gray silvery hair...
...'Till soon, my love! 'Till soon....
Saturday, March 13, 2010
...in the end, i am still melancolic. Yeah, for those times when i was at 05:00 AM crosing the main street of this chaotic city of mine-Bucharest, with a bunch of pals, with a glas in my hand that was stolen from a club we have just leaved from. Oh well, those were endless and sleepless summer nights that are still present in my memory. And i want them back! I want the smell of the grass that i was longing to smell every morning. I want the sun to burn my skin and to make me blind, so i can not open my eyes. I want the sunrisae to chatch me walking arround on the beach, with the sand up to my knees and the wind blowing in my full of salt and curly hair. I want back the times when i didn't have Facebook - by the way, i think this site is the updated and stiled model of our old friend HI5 - and internet everywhere, the times when i used to leave word at my parents that i'll be back in 2 days, yet comming back home in 5 nights, drunk and happy. I wish i had back the emotion of the first kiss, the first sunrise and the first trip abroad.
But most of all, i wish i had back the lost friends, even if they went out of my life for different reasons. When i see some of the, in random moments, i am blocked. Wishing for comunication, but yet again only a glimpse of an eye is sometimes enough.
We loose time uploading our private life on internet, fighting on streets when driving, investing time in hearing all kind of shit stories and in the end, when we come home to our families/lovers we have nothing to talk about our own lives. Big mistake. There is no button we can push on the keyboard, that could make all go away. There is no link we can access, no ESC for our human mistakes.
Right now my life is by the clock.
Sleep, work, eat, sleep.
In need of transition and some sparkle of hope to leave all not so important things behind, i whish you all a nice time untill we meet again, here.